Agricultural Practices
by Ankhesenamun
Summary: SG1 take on GMC's, fairies, drunken mobs and Steve Irwin, whilst Hammond goes in search for O'Neill's office.


"I am the president of the United States. I do not have to eat broccoli if I don't want to." – George Bush.

28 stories beneath the surface, in the cold depths of Cheyenne mountain ran a top secret military operation, which had – unknown to the population of earth – placed the world in serious jeopardy on several occasions, only to save it again by near impossible miracles.

It was the best kept secret in the world and only a handful of the military's best and brightest ever had the chance to even know of it.

It was the Stargate Command.

Commonly known as the SGC.

The facility from which a select few were sent out via alien technology to distant planets all over the galaxy on missions of exploration and discovery. 

And one man was in command of it – he had the power over the base, the people and the Stargate. He was even possibly one of the most powerful men on earth.

He was General George Hammond. And he was having an urgent phone call with another powerful but probably more well known man – the American president.

"You hang up!"

"No – _you _hang up!" replied the tinny voice on the other end on the line.

"Ok – we'll do it together!" Hammond giggled "1, 2, 3…" he paused for a moment "are you still there?"

"No." the voice said.

Suddenly alarms blared throughout the compound and Hammond jerked up, dropping the phone. 

"Damn." He grunted, picking up the phone and hearing its monotonous beeping. After carefully placing his beloved red phone back on the receiver, Hammond stood up on his porky legs, ran a hand through his extinct hair and waddled out into the corridor in search of the cause for the alarm.

Major Samantha Carter pulled herself to her feet absently dusting the black soot from her shoulders whilst surveying the chaos that was her lab. A small explosion radiating from the ceiling had set off the alarms throughout the base and she gingerly made her way through the debris to the phone on the wall and gave the order to the security officer on the other side to turn it off. 

The Major was generally a beautiful woman of average height and a neat figure (although this was usually disguised by the baggy combat trousers she insisted on wearing during and outside of work – much to every hot blooded male's disappointment). She was somewhere between the indefinable ages of 30 and 40, and had short fluffy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She was a theoretical astrophysicist, an expert on the Stargate, a leading and experienced officer of the SGC and – at present – covered head to toe in black soot.

An attention seeking cough in the doorway brought her concentration around to her two superior officers, General Hammond and Colonel Jack O'Neill, who were watching her through beady eyes.

Jack O'Neill, Hammonds 2IC, was the leader of the SGC's premier team: SG1. He was an experienced hard core veteran and a perfect example of the "military man". He was also extremely tiffed at being dragged away from the re-runs of his favourite 80's TV show: MacGyver. O'Neill was a tall handsome man in his 40's, he had short blondish-brown hair (thanks to his hairdresser who specialised in grey cover-ups), a hawkish complexion and like Carter – his own 2IC – he wore the SGC issued BDU's.

Teal'c, the resident Jaafa, was also with them. Teal'c had once been first prime to Apophis, the SGC's mortal enemy. When he realized the strength of the Tauri and the chance they had to bring down the Goa'uld, he abandoned his career as hulking-bodyguard-to-a-false-god and joined them in the struggle to free the thousands of people under Goa'uld enslavement, taking up the new position of hulking-bodyguard-to-a-SGC-team. On his home planet Chulak, Teal'c was known as a rebel against the gods, a Sholva, a Traitor and in many cases one ugly-bald-son-of-a-krenlai. 

One of Teal'c's most famous features was that he had worms. Or, more correctly one worm in specific; a Goa'uld larvae, affectionately referred to as junior. Not that Teal'c was affectionate towards the parasite that lived in his belly (despite the fact that it made him immune to most diseases, radiation and slowed his rate of aging), in fact he would have happily ripped it out given the chance – only the parasite was needed for him to stay alive, otherwise he would enter an AIDS-like condition, loose his immune system and very quickly pass onto the big Jaafa-joint in the sky. Teal'c was also the owner of a prominent gold tattoo of a squiggly snake on his dark forehead – another permanent symbol of his service to the Goa'uld.

"Major!" barked Hammond "What the hell happened down here? This place is a mess! It looks like a bomb hit it!"

"Technically it did, sir." said Carter in an apologetic tone.

No matter how hard she tried, everything Carter made ended up being some kind of bomb. She had once tried to bake a cake, with disastrous results which can be imagined, but not adequately described.

"Explain Major." Growled Hammond looking more and more like an angry wild boar with each passing second.

Carter took a deep breath before launching into her explanation. Her plan was simple: use enough big words to confuse the man and slip out while he tries to decipher what she had said. "Honest sir – I was just changing a light bulb," (proving that even though it only takes one blonde astrophysicist to change a light bulb she should never be let near it anyway, unless you want a particularly large and destructive fireworks display) "I didn't mean for the thermo-nucleic-hydroxy-garfunkelled-computerator to alternate the velocity of the current's millijoulic-oryzanol carrying capacity, based on the amount of cocamidbetaine and methylisothiazolinone surplus in the system. Sorry. Sir."

Hammond briefly wandered if Carter was really suited to her job, or whether her true calling should be making up product names for cosmetic companies.

O'Neill stared at the Major as he slowly turned over the words in his head, trying to comprehend her meaning. After several long moments he came out with a suitable reply: "Ahhhhh." The kind of 'Ahhhhh' people use to hide their lack of understanding and make themselves sound smart. It didn't work.

Hammond looked around at the ¾ of SG1 before him, and decided on the safest and most appropriate course action he could take for all personnel: get rid of them.

"I'm sending you out on a mission. Depart from the gate-room at 1400."

And with that he abruptly turned on his heel and left before something else exploded – namely his temper.

"Need a hand cleaning up?" asked O'Neill surveying the lab. 

"Yeah," smiled Carter appreciatively as she picked up the remains of her computer.

"Good. It's at the end of your arm."

Carter glared at him.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"You roots are showing." she muttered snidely as O'Neill sauntered out of the room followed by Teal'c.

"So are yours!" came the reply from down the corridor, "Now where the hells Daniel?"

Dr Daniel Jackson, the last and youngest member of the SG1 team, had all the makings of a geek; a mop of brown hair, glasses, allergies and a higher education. But somehow, miraculously, he failed to live up to the geek ideal. He was _Hot_. Charming. Sweet. And completely oblivious to the hoards of infatuated women who trailed him around the base. With the exception of one: Sylvia Kelly. Miss Kelly was the newest edition to the infirmary staff and was currently flirting outrageously with the young man, who was happily returning the favour. 

"See," explained Jackson, perched on the edge of one of the infirmary beds "Amenhotep IV claimed that the sun god – then named Aton – was the one true god, and he enforced this new religion during his rule in the middle kingdom… about the time of the 18th Dynasty. So when these people on P3X 247 called the sun Aton we knew exactly what period of time they were taken through the gate."

"Ahhhhh," said Nurse Kelly, battering her eyelashes at him "You know, Daniel, I was thinking of getting a tattoo of the sun, right-" she pulled her skirt up a highly unreasonable length and pointed to a spot on the outside of her thigh, "here. What do you think?"

"Well," he said swallowing thickly "that's uh… that's nice."

Nurse Kelly giggled, twirling a blonde curl around her finger as the Head of the Medical staff: Dr Janet Frasier, entered the room and scowled enviously at her.

"So this Anton guy, is he like, old? Arghh!!"

"Oops," smiled Janet innocently, as she picked up the tray that had accidentally flown across the room from her hand, and collided with the other woman's head. "That's gonna cause a nasty bruise Sylvia. You better go put some ointment on it."

The nurse glared at the older woman scathingly as she made her way out of the room. Jackson jumped up to help her but was pressed back down on the bed by the petite Doctor. 

"What brings you to my infirmary, again, Dr?" she asked conversationally as she shined a pen light into his eyes.

"Uh… my uh… my head hurts. Head ache. I just need some aspirin."

When most people heard how often Jackson ended up in the infirmary, they put it down to him being accident prone. But he didn't have a PhD for nothing. Jackson was smart. Very smart. Which is why he kept finding excuses to visit the base infirmary as often as possible. He was simple enjoying the scenery: long legs in short skirts. He was, after all, a hot blooded male.

Janet smiled faintly as she gave him the whole jar. She was several years older than him, and a great deal wiser too. She was quite pretty in a dignified way, with doe-like brown eyes and dark red hair which changed styles more often than she changed underwear.

"If I didn't know you any better Daniel, I'd say you weren't sick at all when you visited me."

"Janet!" said Jackson in mock horror "How can you say that? This is _me_ you're talking about!"

"Exactly." she smiled.

At that precise moment, another of Janet's nurses came in – Craig Smith. Craig was a beefy 30's something man of South Asian descent, with short black hair and no neck.  Daniel smiled politely in greetings to the newcomer. Craig winked back at him. Then blew him a kiss.

"Oh, gosh! Is that the time? Sorry Janet, gotta go, just remembered a, uh, a report in my laptop I need to write, um, er, print. Yeah, thanks. Bye!" He said quickly as he backed out of the infirmary smiling uneasily.

"Thanks Craig." Janet as soon as the archaeologist was out of earshot.

"No prob," replied the nurse "but maybe its time you guys wore pants. If I keep clearing the infirmary like this everyone'll think I'm gay!"

After finding Jackson hiding in his office, O'Neill and the rest of SG1 had prepared for the mission and were now waiting in the embarkation room for the 'gate to fully activate.

The stargate was a wonder in itself: a hybrid of ancient and advanced technology, an archaeological and scientific marvel. It also made a great background prop.

Slowly, the inner ring turned like a giant combination lock, and at each click and turn, various symbols on the outer ring lit up red. 

"Chevron 6: locked," announced the Chevron guy over the PA. The Chevron guy had been a member of the SGC since anyone could remember. He had begun his career as the work experience kid, and over the years had slowly risen through the casual, part-time and full-time ranks to attain a permanent position. Still, after all that time, no one could remember his name. Thus he was known to all as _the Chevron guy_.

"Chevron 7: locked."

Suddenly a massive funnel of water and light billowed out of the previously empty space inside the gate's rings. Then, almost as abruptly, the funnel snapped back with an almighty _shwump_ to become a rippling pool, only vertical. It was the kind of thing that inspired interior designers to make those odd looking wallpapers, and pool manufacturers to ponder how such a pool would be most efficiently cleaned.

It registered almost no reaction from the SG1 team however, who had seen the process so often that they found it as exciting as watching the toilet flush.

O'Neill grinned as he and Teal'c led the way up the ramp. This was what he'd been waiting for for days: to go out, explore and with luck ensure further safety for the SGC and Earth. This is what SG1 did.

As the rest of SG1 disappeared through the even horizon and the gate de-activated, a collective sigh of relief could be heard all around the gate-room and observation room. SG1 were gone: finally, some peace, quiet and for however brief the period, some safety.

Imagine taking  a roller-coaster ride through a blizzard, only the roller-coaster is travelling at a velocity way over the speed limit and the roller-coaster isn't really a roller-coaster, its more of a tunnel through space (bringing a whole new meaning to the light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel theory: there is not only light to be found, but planets, ancient cultures, snakes and funny little grey aliens that call themselves Thor). If you can imagine that, then your about 1/10th of the way towards understanding the intense trip between two gates, and the explanation as to why SG1 always exited the gate covered in frost and slightly pale.

As each member emerged from the journey that would make the ride engineers at Movie-world green with envy (that is, if they ever found out about it, and that is, if they weren't shot by security shortly afterwards), they each took up their appropriate positions: Carter collected samples and data from the MALP, Jackson checked that the DHD was in working order, Teal'c did what he was born and bred to do – stand guard – and O'Neill surveyed the landscape before them, which - surprise surprise - looked exactly like a wildlife reserve in Canada.

"Ah, trees, trees and more trees," he smiled grimly, "What a wonderfully green universe we live in."

"You've used that line before Jack." Said Jackson as he wandered over to help Carter.

Several theories had been raised about the familiarity of the planets visited by the SGC teams and the stargate technology itself. One theory, was that each planet needed a sufficient quantity of trees in order to produce enough oxygen to support life, and that the stargate's only linked these types of planets together. Another theory explained that the travelling through the gate altered your comprehension of language, so that most civilizations seemed to speak English, whether or not they actually were. Yet another theory stated that entering a stargate from the wrong side (as in from the side you just exited before the wormhole shut down) would either take you to back to your point of origin, or otherwise act as a black-hole and suck you inside out. This last theory was as of yet unproven, due to lack of voluntary participants.

O'Neill meandered over to where Carter and Jackson were sitting entering the rest of the data into Carter's lap-top.

The lap-top screen portrayed a spiral like a double helix twisting around itself, splitting in half and then rearranging itself.

"What's that?" asked O'Neill curiously, "looks complicated."

Carter glanced up briefly "The screensaver."

"Oh."

O'Neill moved to step past Carter and join Teal'c, but as he did he unwittingly kicked a small flower tucked into the grass. The spores of the flower released and with the aid of a slight breeze headed for Jackson. The archaeologist's allergies then flared up, and he let out a powerful sneeze, accidentally head-butting Carter who was beginning to stand up. Carter then slipped over, knocking O'Neill into Teal'c and landing herself on Jackson. O'Neill would have managed to stay standing had his foot not been caught in Carter's pack's strap, causing him to twist around, spinning his arms like a windmill. Desperate to fight the forces of gravity he grabbed at something -anything- to hold him up, thus he got hold of Teal'c's sleeve and brought them both down on top on Carter and Jackson, who were just beginning to get up again. This all happened within a 10 second period. The results were a heap of tangled arms and legs, a spilt pack and one very flat, very angry archaeologist.

Jackson opened his eyes to find Teal'c's staff inches from his face.

"Get that over glorified cattle prod out of my face!" He yelled angrily, or tried to anyway – its difficult to speak when you have someone's boot shoved in your mouth. What the others heard was a muffled "Gung a owa gowaha ca'el ko ou o I  ae!"

"What was that Daniel?" asked the Colonel as he tried to free himself from the human heap.

"Argh! Whose foot is that?" gasped Carter painfully.

"That is my knee Major Carter." Said a struggling Teal'c.

"Ge ow ee!"

"Daniel, if you can't speak properly, don't speak at all."

"Uck u!"

When SG1 finally managed to extricate themselves from one another, Teal'c resumed his job of guarding nothing in particular, Jackson and O'Neill decided on the best route to take and Carter repacked her day-pack, which had spilt over the steps leading up to the stargate platform.

"Ready Major?" Said O'Neill impatiently.

"Nearly sir," she replied, hastily shoving her gear back into the bag

"Lead the way Teal'c." gestured O'Neill with a flourish as soon as the Major was finished, and so, SG1 was on their way into the unknown - unwittingly leaving behind the vital GDO needed to get home, which had slipped out of Carters pack and under a shrub on the edge of the platform.

"So T, what's doin' down your end of the compound?" asked O'Neill amiably as they made a path through the forest of pines and ceders.

"I have been studying much of your culture through television shows. It is a most enjoyable experience." stated the Jaafa.

"Ah, TV, Man's greatest invention."

Teal'c, to nobodies surprise, raised an eyebrow.

"So, what's your favourite show?"

"I am presently a fan of several, including Star Trek, Star Battles X, Star-ship explorers, Star Wars: the show, Star-star-fight, Star Men, Star Men X, Star Men: the new generation, Star-"

O'Neill held up a finger to silence the larger man, and scrutinised him through beady eyes.

"Teal'c, please tell me your not a Sci-Fi fan."

"I am not a Sci-Fi fan."

They continued to walk for a few minutes in silence.

"What is a Sci-Fi fan?" inquired Teal'c.

"A Sci-Fi fan, is another word for a Trekkie."

"I see. ….What is a Trekkie?"

"Its someone who like Science-fiction shows, Teal'c." yelled out Daniel from his position with Sam, 15m behind them.

"What is wrong with Science-fiction?" asked the Jaafa curiously.

O'Neill shrugged "They're just so tacky; all these middle aged men leading groups around the universe by impossible means of transportation. The music's repetitive, the props are cheap and the acting is so poor. Myself, I prefer sports-"

And before the colonel could launch into one of his hockey lectures; which were about as exciting as Daniel's talks on Ancient Mesopotamian onion pickling, or Sam's speeches on the role statistical mechanics played in thermodynamics; the team was interrupted by a short wild looking man with a blonde mullet and a toothy grin, who had just stumbled out of a bush several metres ahead and stopped in front of the foursome.

"Holy Smoke! That was a big one!" said the crocodile hunter enthusiastically to no one in particular "Did you get a look at its jaw? Crocodiles have 30 to 40 teeth set into sockets in the jawbones. These teeth-" he gestured, clasping his hands together "interlock when the mouth closes, except the forth tooth which protrudes outside when the mouth shuts!"

The crocodile hunter looked around excitedly at SG1, who returned the stare, only theirs was blank.

"G'day mate!" grinned the man cheerfully in a cockney Australian accent, as he offered a hand to Daniel.

Jackson blinked, then at a sharp elbowing from Carter took the hand and shook it slowly "Hi, um, hi… we're from Earth – the Tauri, we're peaceful explorers. My name is Da-"

"Bugger me!" exclaimed the crocodile hunter, taking off through the forest "there she goes! Crocodiles generally move on a quick belly crawl, but have been known to do a sort of gallop on all fours…."

After the strange short man had faded off into the forest, O'Neill pulled what was left of his wits back together and took stock of his team members. Teal'c stared ahead, stoic as ever; Jackson looked slightly deflated that he'd missed an opportunity to chat with the locals, but otherwise was fine; but Carter looked suddenly nervous and upset.

"You ok Major?" asked O'Neill quietly, "That guy get to you?"

Carter hiccuped and flickered her eyes briefly at her CO.

"No sir," she said, her lip twitching "I'm fine sir."

O'Neill shrugged and led the team onward through the forest, thinking _It must be some girl thing_. What he didn't know, was that Carter wasn't worried about the strange short man at all - she was tough - hell she had enough combat training to make Lara Croft look like a joke (which, lets face it, isn't really that difficult with Croft's wardrobe). What had shaken the Major so badly was the realization that she was suddenly short one GDO. 

Jackson patted her reassuringly on the shoulder as they walked "Don't worry, I don't think that guy'll bother us again."

Carter just nodded unhappily.

Before SG1 could take more than a few more steps however, they were interrupted again, this time by a small mob of what O'Neill presumed were the local population who were crossing their path. The mob consisted mainly of angry, slightly drunk looking middle aged men, who were dressed in an array of medieval clothing and were holding several burning torches and a collection of farming implements threateningly. O'Neill subconsciously flicked the safety switch of his M-15 off as he heard Teal'c charging his staff weapon.

"Who are you?" barked out a piggish looking one who was clearly the leader, and O'Neill was suddenly reminded of Hammond.

"Hi," said Daniel flipping into spokesperson mode again, "We're peaceful explorers from earth. I'm Daniel Jackson, this is Colonel Jack O'Neill, Teal'c, Ma-"

Abruptly the leader turned to O'Neill "Get your son to shut up, he talks too much," he paused, taking in their green BDUs and looked up at them suspiciously "Are you fairies?"

O'Neill didn't know which to be more offended at: the presumption that he was old enough to be Jackson's father or being called a fairy.

"Daniel is not my son," he said dryly, "And-"

"He said he was." Interrupted the leader adamantly.

O'Neill glanced at Daniel who was looking very annoyed at being interrupted during his introduction speech twice in 15 minutes. 

"Oh, no, see – I'm Daniel _Jackson_, not Daniel _Jack's son_."

The leader blinked and stared at the younger man. "Ahhhhh." he paused a moment, "Are you fairies?!"

"That's offensive! I'm offended!" exclaimed O'Neill outraged.

"Jack-" muttered Daniel sideways.

"What!"

"If these people are from a medieval society, which judging by their apparel they probably are, then their belief of fairies is somewhat different from ours - In the 12th century people believed fairies were 'spirits' that lived in forests and kidnapped people. Fairies were thought to be green, which is probably why they thought _we _were fairies."

"Oh… so not the flowery little-"

"Tinkerbelly butterfly winged things? No."

"Well," O'Neill cleared his throat and addressed the mob, "No, no we're not fairies. Why do you ask?"

"My son went missing last week. I believe he was kidnapped by the rogues. We-" he pointed to the intoxicated mob who were beginning to loose interest in the team, "are a rescue party in search of him."

"Well, we can help," offered Carter speaking up.

"We don't need help." Stated the leader as one of the mob promptly threw up behind a tree stump, to the cheers of the rest of the men.

"Yes you do." Persisted the Major

"No, we don't."

"Do."

"Don't."

"Do."

"Don't"

"Do."

The leader held his farming scythe threateningly as he moved into an offensive position. "_Don't_."

Carter aimed her M-15 at the man equally threateningly "_Do._"

Suddenly the friendly banter between the two was checked by a newcomer: a girl who had clearly been following trail left by the mob through the forest. She was quite pretty, about 17, with brown hair, brown eyes and a robe sheer enough to put a bikini model to shame. She headed straight for the mob leader who glared at her.

"I told you to stay home with your mother, child!" he grunted.

"Pa_paaaaa_! I want to help find Bel Oraine!" she whined.

_Papa_? Mouthed O'Neill to Jackson who shrugged – neither could see any family resemblance between the two.

"I said no child! Go home!" the leader shrugged apologetically at O'Neill "Teenagers!"

"Paaaa_paaaaaa_!!!!!" sulked the girl.

Suddenly the leader had one of his few, but brilliant ideas: shoot two birds with one stone.

"Alright girl! Stop grumbling! I want you to guide these people-" he motioned towards SG1 "who are gonna help find your brother. Ok pumpkin?"

"Papa!" she bleated "I wanna help you! I don't wanna guide some weird…" her eyes fell Jackson and she blinked "OK I'll do it."

The leader clapped his hands together happily, proud of his own genius.

"Right, you go left, we go right."

"Right." agreed O'Neill.

"No, _left_."

"Left?"

"Right."

"_Right_?"

"What?"

O'Neill pointed with his hand "How about we go left?"

"Good idea."

And the two groups moved in their separate directions, each thinking the other had no chance.

As SG1 plus the girl made their way through the thinning forest, the sky entered twilight and small stars began to appear in the darkening sky. Carter was taking point, followed by O'Neill, Jackson and the girl, with Teal'c bringing up the rear.

"So, your brother is Bel Oraine?" asked Jackson conversationally.

"Mmm hmm." Replied the smitten girl.

"And your father is…?"

"Chief of the village, Bel Kouzai."

"Which makes you…?"

"My name is Bel Orie, but," she giggled and linked arms with the Archaeologist, invading his personal space, "You can call me Orie."

Jackson's anthropological training kicked in, and presuming that this was a common act (like the Maori's touching noses or the Japanese bowing) he smiled warmly at her, "My name's Daniel."

"So Daniel, what's the story with these fairies?" interrupted O'Neill carelessly.

"Well," said Daniel flipping back into lecture mode, "a fairy, or _Fay_, as they were known at the time in Europe, were bringers of good luck or bad luck, and were blamed for a lot of natural-"

 "Ah hey-hey-hey-hey-_hey_," said Jack wagging a finger "the abridged version."

"Fairies were generally known for their interest in fertility; kidnapping babies, nursing mothers, skilled young men, and young girls with golden hair. Don't ask me what the story is here though. Fairies – in all cultures - were derived from primitive gods and religions. They're not real."

O'Neill tugged his cap thoughtfully "Sounds very Goa'uldish to me." (Actually, due to years of military and government paranoia being pounded into his mind, everything sounded Goa'uldish to O'Neill).

"Not the kidnapping babies part though," Jackson crossed his arms as he sorted through his thoughts, leaving Orie to cling to his upper arm affectionately as they walked. "Do you think they're Goa'ulds?"

O'Neill shrugged.

"Orie," asked Jackson smiling "What do you know about the Chappahai?"

"The what?" she said, twirling her hair around a finger.

"The Stargate? The big stone ring in the forest?"

"I don't know this, 'Stargate'." she said softly, smiling doe-eyed up at him.

"You don't?" asked a surprised O'Neill.

As quick as a flash Orie's mood turned and she glared at the older man, furious at having her attention drawn from her new crush. "My people avoid the forest because the fairies lurk in there! If you fall asleep in the forest you might never _ever_ return home!" She took a deep breath and returned her focus to a stunned Jackson, blocking out an equally stunned O'Neill, and softening her voice again, "The fairies are evil and malicious; they burn our crops and kidnap my people, Daniel. And now they have my brother."

Having had enough of Daniel's newest fan, O'Neill called out for Carter to stop, and motioned Teal'c over to him.

"Okay, _You,_" he pointed at Orie, "You know where the nearest running water is?"

"Of course I do!" she snapped, then to Jackson she said "It's a charming little creek that runs into our village, just deep enough to dip your toes in."

"Oh." said Jackson, shifting uneasily.

"I want you to take Teal'c there to refill our water supplies. Pronto," Ordered O'Neill crankily, "The rest of us will set up base camp for the night."

Orie glared at him as she pecked a surprised Jackson on the cheek and led Teal'c off into the forest.

"What?" blushed a flustered Daniel at Sam's raised eyebrow "It's probably their culture or something. Really… touchy-feely people…"

"Yeh right, their _culture,_" Muttered O'Neill sceptically as he looked over the chosen camp sight. "Huh, an apple tree. Looks about ripe too."

"You know, I can whip up a great apple turnover," offered Carter plucking an apple thoughtfully.

"No!" shouted the two men together.

Carter narrowed her eyes at them as she threw the apple over her shoulder into the bushes.

"Ouch."

"Sorry, did I hit you Daniel?" she apologized.

"No, I'm over here." He replied.

"Oh, well sorry Sir."

"What for Carter?" said the Colonel absently.

"For hitting you with the apple."

"I wasn't hit wi-"

And suddenly the bushes erupted with leaf-covered people in green tunics, surrounding the stunned team. But before SG1 could raise their guns each was shot with a dart in the chest tipped with some kind of natural sedative. O'Neill's last thought before he sunk into oblivion was that Tinkerbell had never looked so nasty.

Meanwhile, back at the Stargate, a small fuzzy animal – like a cross between a monkey and a rat – had paused to examine the lost GDO beneath the shrub. The monkey-rat sniffed tentatively at the remote, then, testing its edibility it nibbled the corner. Unsatisfied, it sniffed the object again. Then, for reasons unknown, the monkey-rat took hold of the GDO in its tiny hands and trundled off aimlessly into the forest with its new prize.

Teal'c and Orie returned to the campsite 40 minutes later to find Jack O'Neill alone, packless, gunless and passed out on the ground beneath the apple tree. 

"Is he dead?" said Orie hopefully, prodding him with a stick.

Teal'c frowned at her, and bent over the other man, gently slapping him on the cheek.

"O'Neill?" said the Jaafa loudly – god, he _really_ didn't want to give him mouth to mouth, "O'NEILL?"

Suddenly O'Neill awoke and on instinct sat up immediately, head-butting Teal'c and sending Orie into fits of laughter; that is until a small apple chose that moment to drop from the bough and hit her on the head.

"God, Teal'c," the Colonel looked around "where's Carter and Daniel?"

Teal'c lifted his ever-present-raised-eyebrow "I do not know. They were with you."

Orie gasped "The fairies!! They were kidnapped by the fairies!!"

Teal'c nodded solemnly "It would appear so."

"Well," said O'Neill pulling his cap back on and dusting himself off "On the bright side, maybe they're being taken to wherever your brother is, so they'll find him." he frowned, "What I want to know is why they didn't take me?"

"Daniel Jackson said the fairies only took young skilled men and blonde women." Reminded Teal'c, "Perhaps you are too old."

"Thanks Teal'c, you really know how to kick a man when he's down."

"I did not kick you." 

"I will!" offered the girl, swinging back her foot.

"Look," said O'Neill, jumping to his feet, "Teal'c, can you track them?"

"I can."

"Alrighty then, lets go hunt some fairies."

Jackson came to first, finding himself in a small, dank, dark, damp (and several other adjectives beginning with "D") cell, with a dirt floor and a small iron-barred door. Through a small grated window near the ceiling a shaft of yellow light poured in dimly illuminating the stone cell and falling on his team mate, slumped against the opposite wall. Straightening his cracked glasses, he found his wrists were bound together with a length of brown cloth, and his gear missing.

"Sam?" he whispered cautiously, "Sam?"

"Go 'way," she mumbled. " 'Smy Barbie."

Daniel frowned and shook her gently "Sam – wake up."

"Noooo… you play with Ken… Barbie's mine…"

Shaking her harder, he raised her voice, "_Sam_."

Gradually her eyes opened and she yawned, "What is it Daniel?"

"I think we've been kidnapped by the fairies." He whispered showing her his tied hands.

The Major blinked "Why are you whispering?"

"Uh…" said Jackson in his normal voice "I dunno."

"Where's the Colonel? And Teal'c?" she asked, observing the cell and her own tied hands.

"I don't know."

"Daniel."

"What?"

"We're not alone."

Following her gaze to the shadowy corner beneath the window, Jackson saw two figures sitting leaning against the wall.

"Uh, hello?" ventured Jackson, squinting his eyes.

One of the figures stirred and moved into the light, and the two SG1 members found themselves before a skinny old man with a long white beard in a grey tunic and cloak. He smelled strongly of old cheese.

"Mimble wimble." He stated solemnly.

"S-Sorry?" said Jackson.

"Wallamalla kazoo." Said the old man narrowing his eyes.

"What'd he say?" asked Carter softly.

"Don't ask me!"

"You're the linguist!"

"So?"

"_So._"

"Blop Tipple Wangaranga!" Demanded the old man.

Jackson opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by the last figure in the room who had moved from his shadowed place and into the light beside the old man.

"My name is Bel Oraine. Who are you?"

Oraine was a lot like his sister and nothing like his father, with brown hair and eyes and a tall, lanky body. He looked about 20 and wore a blue long sleeved tunic, black pants and a bemused expression.

"I'm Daniel Jackson, this is Major Carter. We're from the Tauri, from Earth, we came through the Stargate. We met your father and sister in the forest." He beamed brightly, happy at finally completing his introduction speech, "And we're here to rescue you."

Oraine blinked and looked at the SG1 members tied hands, then at the cell they were imprisoned in.

"Good job." He said dryly.

"Flapjack." Agreed the old man.

"Shut up Frank." Sighed Oraine, and Frank ambled to the other side of the cell and stared at the wall. "He gets disturbed by strangers – usually he at least strings words into a proper sentence."

"What's wrong with him?" asked Carter curiously.

"Oh, nothings wrong with him – he's just a bit," he looped a circle with a finger around his ear "you know."

"Um, where are we?" inquired Jackson.

"The fairy headquarters, I think. I don't really know – I've only left this cell once since I arrive, to be interviewed."

"Interviewed?" asked Carter as she tested the strength of the bonds.

"Here-" Oraine loosened her cloth so she could slip her hands out, "The Fairies are really rebels, and I think this is how they recruit people – kidnapping. At the interview they offered me to join them and I refused, so they threw me back in here."

"Rebels against what?" asked Carter as she untied Jackson's hands.

"Against our agricultural system, they think our methods are unsafe and unnatural."

"Whoa, uh, what?" said an astonished Jackson, "you mean – this is all about _farming_?"

"Well, that's one of the main reasons," admitted Oraine, "See, _my_ people make a kind of fertilizer using a local plant – _Braydel_ – and by soaking the seeds of our crops in the mixture before we plant them, each seed gets characteristics of the other species. It makes them stronger and more resistant to pests."

"Like GMC's!" smiled Carter amazed.

"I can't believe we were kidnapped by rebel _farmers_." Muttered Jackson staring incredulously into space.

"GMC's?" repeated Oraine.

"Genetically Modified Crops," explained Carter "It's a controversial technology where we come from, I can't believe you could do it so easily here – must be the Braydel thing."

"There were side effects…" confessed Oraine, "But generally it's beneficial."

"_Farmers_. Honestly."

Oraine turned his attention back to the perplexed archaeologist. "Our farming method isn't the only reason for the rebellion – government system, personal rights and difference in beliefs-"

"It's a civil war about… _farming_." Said an annoyed Jackson.

"Smarpo Larp." Agreed Frank from his wall.

"Well," sighed Carter, "At least they're not Goa'uld."

Jackson rolled his eyes at her.

"We need to find a way out of here." decided Carter.

"Anyone have a hair pin?" asked Jackson looking pointedly at Carter.

Carter scowled "Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean-"

"Okay! Okay!" said Jackson holding up his hands to stop her before she ranted on about her feminist ideas (not that there's anything _wrong_ with that, it was just inappropriate at the time), "I just wanted to try picking the lock or something."

At that Oraine pulled a pin out of nowhere-in-particular and gave it to Jackson.

Carter shook her head, "No offence Daniel, but I don't think it would work," she peered out the window thoughtfully "We need a plan – when the guards come, you and I… no, I'll pretend I'm ill, you get their help – when they come inside the cell you, me and Oraine can grab them, we should be able to take them out-"

"Sam-"

"Hopefully they'll think our hands are still bound, we can use that to our advantage-"

"_Sam_."

"Daniel, I'm trying to figure something out here."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was just wandering if you wanted to go. _Now_."

"What? Of course I want to-" she turned around and found the three men watching her impatiently through the door, which had swung open with the pin still sticking out of the lock. "Oh."

"Rumble Dumble!" complained Frank.

"Okay-okay! I'm coming!" said Sam hastily, and the four of them left the empty cell.

The monkey-rat ran through the forest in a panic, holding the GDO above its head. _SNAP_ went the crocodile's jaws as it lumbered after the smaller animal.

"Crikey!" said a voice not far off, "That was a close one! Crocodile jaws are weak enough when opening to hold shut by hand, but are also so strong when closing that they can crush the bones of small prey!"

At this latest revelation the monkey-cat let out a terrified cry and desperately threw the GDO back at its pursuer.

_SNAP_! Went the crocodile again – swallowing the GDO whole. The crocodile made a kind of hacking noise, and then, as though on cue, released a massive burp. When it focused again on its mission, it found the monkey-rat had vanished. Disgruntled, the crocodile grinned (not that it had much of a choice) and turned left into the forest.

At about the same time, in a galaxy sufficiently far away, General Hammond was sitting in his office, twiddling his thumbs and deciding what to do next. He'd already sent a clean up crew into Dr Jackson's office and Major Carters lab to clear out the junk and get hold of all the alien artefacts and technology that had been due to go to Area 51 months ago. He'd also sent someone to clean up Teal'c's quarters; not that they needed cleaning, Hammond was just curious as to whether there was anything in there besides a TV, a bed and candles. But now what? Hammond frowned and stared at the red phone sitting on his desk… he could really do with some pizza.

Reaching for the phone, a new thought struck him. Just where was it his 2IC worked? Colonel Jack O'Neill did presumably do work other than off-world activity, so he was bound to have an office somewhere… but for the life of him Hammond couldn't remember ever going there. In fact, he didn't remember anyone else having been there either.

Having decided on something interesting to do to put off writing up more reports, Hammond left his office and shuffled into the hallway. 

"Airman!" he barked at the unfortunate guard down the hall.

"Sir yes sir!" replied the guard, steadfastly staring straight ahead.

"Which way is Colonel O'Neill's office?"

The guard swallowed uneasily. Unlike most US marines, this one had an IQ that was relatively normal, and so (whether or not this was a good thing) he was able to think ahead of or at least on the same wavelength as his superiors. As far as he knew – Colonel O'Neill didn't have an office, at least, not that he'd ever heard of.

"Sir?" asked the airman tentatively.

"Well? Airman? Which way?" demanded Hammond.

"Left Sir?" guessed the guard. God he hoped it was that way.

Hammond turned and started walking.

"Your other left sir!" rapped out the guard. Oops. Shouldn't have said that.

Slowly Hammond turned and stared at the guard.

"What was that airman?"

"Nothing sir!"

Hammond narrowed his eyes, "Oh no, I distinctly remember hearing something."

"I didn't hear anything sir!" (Okay, so maybe he wasn't that smart after all. Any good soldier would know now is the time to shut up).

"Are you calling me a liar airman?!"

"No sir!" grovelled the guard.

"Which way is Colonel O'Neill's office?"

"L-left sir."

Sneering at the trembling guard as he passed in the other direction, Hammond rounded the corner and continued on his way. Okay, store room, store room, store room, briefing room, store room, bathroom, store room… Hammond sighed, what he needed, was a map. Or a guide. Or maybe some pizza… mmmm, pizza. Suddenly he came to the end of the corridor and found, a store room. Frowning, he turned and was face to face with a cleaner.

"'Scuse me." She groused shoving past him, "Some moron spilt half a shelf in that store room, gotta clean it up."

Hammond gaped at her, then recovering himself (he was a US General after all) he had another ingenious thought. Cleaners knew their way around – here was his guide.

"Which way is Colonel O'Neill's office?" he tried to ask, but unfortunately it came out as more of an order.

"Who wants ta know?" challenged the cleaner pulling herself up to her full height (4 ft 9").

"Your employer."

The cleaner swallowed uneasily, "This way sire," she mumbled, leading him back the way he came.

Old habits die hard, and Colonel Jack O'Neill was no exception. Flipping into G.I. Jack mode as they approached an abandoned farm, O'Neill dashed guerrilla-like from tree to tree in the forest, waving his companions on with a flurry of hand signals. Teal'c, for his part, was trying to obey his leaders commands, but was finding it surprisingly difficult with a teenage girl hanging off his arm. 'Out of sight, out of mind' seemed to be the case with Orie, who had apparently forgotten completely about the MIA Archaeologist and was now besotted with the Jaafa.

They congregated at the verge of the forest and observed the derelict fields and farmhouse.

"Where is this?" Teal'c asked the girl (O'Neill had long since given up trying to converse with her).

"I don't know," she said truthfully "Although, it looks like  it may have been one of the original test farms for the Braydel crops."

Teal'c raised his eyebrow spockishly.

"Braydel: A fertilizer we use on our crops," explained Orie, "Early tests resulted in damaged soil, so several farms were abandoned."

A slight movement beneath the trees prompted O'Neill to duck out of sight.

"Get down!" hissed O'Neill peering through the bushes.

"What is it?" whispered Teal'c.

"I thought I saw-" O'Neill squinted "…something."

"There!" pointed Orie. 

Following her finger, the two SG1 members found themselves watching a small tomato vine yank itself out of the ground. Shaking dirt from its roots, the vine crept  to a new patch of ground in the shade of the farmhouse. Settling itself back into the soil, the tomato vine resumed its stationary lifestyle.

"Teal'c, please tell you just saw what I saw." Murmured O'Neill.

"I can not be sure. What did you just see?"

"I saw a veggie go for a stroll."

Teal'c nodded sagely "Then I too, saw a veggie go for a stroll."

"Tomatoes are fruits." Muttered Orie on impulse.

"That's it!" barked O'Neill turning towards the girl, "You are the most disrespectful, antagonistic and rude smart arse, I have ever met!"

"Take a look in the mirror!" retaliated the girl.

Suddenly, something in O'Neill snapped, the kind of snap that preludes a violent, nasty storm. The atmosphere grew quiet and threatening. The birds stopped chirping. The wind stopped blowing. The sun vanished behind a cloud. Orie made a hand gesture unknown the Tauri, but O'Neill didn't need Daniel to figure out that she wasn't saying hallo.

"Teal'c," growled O'Neill, his eye twitching, "Hold me back. Otherwise I might be forced to _strangle someone._"

"I'd like to see you try old man." sneered Orie, completely unaware of the fact that she was riling an ex-assassin (although they prefer to be called special-ops soldiers).

O'Neill growled.

Orie growled.

The crocodile growled.

Teal'c swore uncharacteristically.

"Where the hell did that come from?" yelped O'Neill as the crocodile grinned malevolently at them.

Slowly, the trio began to back away from the reptile. They were almost far enough away to make a run for it when a foul stench reached them.

"Oh that's rank!" winced O'Neill pinching his nose and lowering his gun "I mean, honestly."

After finishing its business, the crocodile sauntered off, back into the forest.

"How about we short cut through the farm?" suggested O'Neill.

"I didn't think you could short cut when following tracks." said Orie sceptically. 

"You want to go through the forest where there's a rogue crocodile and crazy fairies kidnapping people left, right and centre?"

"No."

"Then we short cut through the farm. Teal'c, take point."

Teal'c moved to obey but was hindered by the girl still attached to his arm.

"Ah for crying out loud!" snapped O'Neill stalking past them "_I'll_ take point."

And they made their way towards the derelict building, once again, unwittingly leaving behind the GDO which the crocodile had (for lack of a better word) excreted.

"So, does all your fresh produce walk around?" O'Neill asked Orie "Only ours are a little less active."

"I can't say this has ever happened before, no." she replied annoyed.

"Ah crap," grumbled O'Neill inspecting his boot, "I stepped in something."

"Looks like a capsicum." said Orie prodding it with a stick.

"Colonel O'Neill," said Teal'c in a low voice "We must leave here. Quickly."

"Why?"

Teal'c pointed, following his finger O'Neill saw what could only be described as a small troop of vegetables (rather like a very angry garden salad) assembled on the roof of the farmhouse above them.

"You moron!" shrieked Orie in a panic, "you killed the capsicum! Now they're gonna kill _us_!"

O'Neill shared a smirk with Teal'c, "They're vegetables. They're not going to hurt us."

At that moment a butternut pumpkin imitated a lemming and threw itself off the roof at trio, in a bizarre kamikaze attempt to hit them. It missed by several feet and ended up splattering against the ground. Teal'c wiped a fleck of pumpkin flesh off his cheek.

"This is a very strange world."

"Yeah I noticed that too."

As though on cue, the rest of the vegetables threw themselves at the group: radishes, zucchinis and carrots rained down on them, bouncing off the ground only to

stand up again on their roots and attack the people's feet and legs.

"You know Teal'c," yelled O'Neill as he swung a bunch of carrots in an arch over his head before letting loose "I think that was a good idea of yours to leave."

"Ya think?" griped Orie, kicking at a particularly stubborn radish.

A small ground force of cucumbers and cabbages rounded the corner and Teal'c whipped up his staff weapon and let loose a volley. Debris and leaves flew through the air, as did several unfortunate carrots that got in the way.

"Retreat!" ordered O'Neill, and the trio headed back to the forest, preferring to take their chances with the crocodile and fairies than with onslaught of a savage salad.

Carter, Jackson, Oraine and Frank were also on the move, where they were going, they weren't quite sure, but the main point was that they were _going_. Of course, in order to stay true to Stargate-ness, this was proving to be very difficult. The Fairy headquarters – which appeared to be much like a small wooden and stone fort in a clearing in the forest - was in an uproar. Men and women dressed in different shades of green were running to and fro, clutching signs on long sticks and banners. Jackson was suddenly reminded of activist groups and protest rallies from his university days.

"Duck!" hissed Carter, pulling Jackson behind a wall at the edge of a courtyard, who in turn grabbed Oraine who in turn grabbed Frank who in turn began humming quietly to himself as he was pulled to the ground.

"Just how do you plan on getting us out of here?" whispered Oraine glancing over the wall as another group dashed by, "The only way out is through the portcullis at the front, and that's bound to be guarded."

"Your sure there's no back way?" asked Carter.

"Positive."

"Well, we'll have to make a way out then."

"Uh what?" burst out Jackson, then lowering his voice again, "and you were planning on doing this how?"

"C4."

"Well I don't know about you, but all my stuff was gone when I woke up."

Sam smiled innocently and pulled up the bottom of her BDU's to reveal a leg strapped with all manner of things, from spare pens to C4 to Mars Bars.

"I knew there was another reason you always wore baggy pants!" gaped Jackson "Do you wear that stuff all the time?"

Carter shrugged, re-covering her leg, "Not in the shower."

"Thank God!" sighed a relieved Oraine "We'll be out of here and home in time for dinner!"

"Hey! You over there! What are you doing?" demanded a gruff voice.

"Then again, maybe not." muttered Jackson. Standing slowly, he turned to face the owner of the voice, and lanky dark haired man with dreadlocks backed up by a small crowd of protesters waving crudely made signs around. Now that they were close and in one spot, Jackson could make out some of the slogans scrawled on in a thickly calligraphic style: "Fayrees wil fite", and "Greene for thee" and "Unyted Peoples Front Agaynst Unhelthy And Unsayfe Cultyvating Practyses" seemed to be the most popular mottos.

"Who, us?" asked Jackson innocently as the others stood up.

"No, the bloke over there." pointed the gruff man. Following his gaze Jackson saw Frank standing alone at the other end of the courtyard, staring at the clouds and mumbling to himself, completely oblivious to the onlooking crowd and his fellow escapees.

"We don't know him," lied Jackson making his way towards the nearest doorway, closely followed by Oraine and Carter, "Anyway, we'll just be going now-"

"Hold on a minute," barked the gruff man, "Who're you?"

"We're um," Jackson frowned, "we're… Sam?"

"We're poor, lost, wood gatherers." supplied Carter.

"We are?" said Jackson raising his eyebrows.

"Yes."

"Oh."

The gruff man scrutinized them and sniffed sceptically, "Where's your wood?"

"It hasn't been gathered yet." explained Oraine.

The gruff man narrowed his eyes at them, trying to discern the truth. "Excuse me," he turned to the mob who began to huddle. Jackson and Carter exchanged a glance and began moving towards the exit again. They halted only five metres away, when the gruff man and his mob returned their focus to them "We don't think your wood gatherers." he said decisively.

"Your right, we lied, we're really um," Carter said the next thing that came to mind, "We're really bards. Travelling bards."

"Where are your instruments?" demanded the man.

"Lost." Explained Carter quickly.

"Excuse me again," said the Gruff man once more, and again the mob went into a brief huddle as the escapees inched forwards. They turned and Jackson and Carter froze again, one metre from the doorway. "We don't think your bards either."

"String em up!" shouted a voice from the back of the mob to cheers of support.

"Hey!" Shouted the leader, "Who was that?! Eh? No ones stringing anyone up!"

He turned back to the escapees but was interrupted again by the same voice. "String em up by their ankles!" it persisted, to shouts of approval .

"I'm warning you!" threatened the man, "One more peep and we'll cancel the demonstration!"

"Not fair!" the mob protested.

"_And_ the rally on Tuesday!" he added darkly.

"Awwww!" muttered the mob and, other than a few incoherent grumbles, it shut up.

"Now," the man turned back to Jackson, Carter, Oraine and Frank, "There's no escape – you will come with us."

Oraine gulped. Carter looked sideways at Jackson, who met her glance and winked. Assured that he had a plan, Carter turned back to the mob and gave the man her most defiant glare.

"You will _come with us_." Insisted the man angrily.

Carter glanced at Jackson who held his head high and fixed his eyes dead ahead.

"Now!" yelled the man.

Carter waited impatiently for a signal from her team mate as the tension in the courtyard rapidly mounted.

"That's it!" yelled the frustrated man, but was interrupted by Carter.

"Look out!" she shouted, pointing behind the mob. 

As one, the mob turned to look behind them and Carter grabbed Jackson, who got a hold of Oraine who seized Frank, and they dashed out through the doorway of the courtyard.

"I don't see anything…" muttered the man squinting at the sky, to nods of agreement from the mob.

After finding their way to the outer wall of the fort, the four escapees fought to get back their breath.

"I thought… you had… a plan!" puffed Carter angrily.

"I did." wheezed Jackson.

Carter stared at him "Well?"

"It was to see what you where gonna do."

Carter glowered at him.

"Um, not to put to fine a point on it but I think we should be working on getting out of here." reminded Oraine.

"Right," Carter pulled out her C4 and shoved it between two of the wooden poles that were part of the outer wall. Carefully she pressed the detonator in, programmed it and ducked back into the corridor they'd just come out from. She was quickly joined by the three men.

Oraine looked at her expectantly "What are you do-"

On cue, a thunderous sound ripped through the air and Oraine threw himself to the ground yelling and covering his eyes.

"Its clear!" he heard Carter announce.

Tentatively he looked up to find shards of wood falling down around him and a massive burnt hole in the outer wall.

"Hobslock…" muttered a shocked Frank.

"Lets go!" said Jackson grabbing the two roughly by their upper arms and pulling them through the hole.

Not very far away, the monkey-rat was again happily trundling through the forest. Through fantastic coincidence it had stumbled across its lost treasure at the forests edge and had reclaimed it, deciding fate had brought them together, twice, for a reason. At a sudden noise the monkey-rat froze on instinct, and cautiously sniffed the air. Hugging its precious treasure closely it listened to the newcomers getting closer and closer.

"Now all we have to do is find the Colonel and Teal'c, and we're homeward bound." said Carter as the foursome tramped through the forest.

"What about studying these people?" argued Jackson "Their technology Sam – wouldn't you love to learn about the Braydel plant?"

Carter bit her lip, it was tempting: a plant that could affect the DNA of other living things. But, on the other hand there was a minor civil war happening on this world, and activists who called themselves fairies were kidnapping people.

"No, not really." She replied coolly.

Jackson looked deflated. Frank patted him reassuringly on the shoulder, "Woodooloodooloo." 

"Stop…" muttered Carter holding up her hand.

"What is it?" asked Oraine.

Carter pointed, "That animal…"

"Looks like a monkey." squinted Jackson.

"Really? I thought it was more like a rat." forwarded Oraine.

Carter didn't really care what it was, what concerned her, was what it was holding: the lost GDO.

"Here kitty… here kitty…" she murmured casually creeping forward (if you can creep casually).

"Well I don't care what you say," stated Jackson ,"that is defiantly not a cat."

"Shut up Daniel, everything replies to 'here kitty' – its the tone of voice that matters, not what you say."

"Well sor_ry_ Dr Doolittle. Hey… what's it holding-"

The monkey-rat, which until then had stayed still staring at the intruders, sniffed the air and turned to stare at the nearest one. 

"Here kitty-kitty, just a little further…" Carter coaxed.

The monkey-rat narrowed its eyes at her, waited until she was close enough and then struck.

"Arghow!!!!!! It bit me!" howled Carter.

Suddenly the rodent bolted, running along on its back legs holding the GDO above its head. Carter flew after it, followed at a distance by Jackson and co.

"Sam?! Sam -" shouted Jackson "what are you doing?!"

Meanwhile, O'Neill, Teal'c and Orie were taking a pleasant stroll though a pleasant (but extremely tall) wheat field, on a pleasant afternoon, as they chatted pleasantly.

"Damned wheat, stupid field, thought we were staying in the damned forest." grumbled O'Neill. "Whose dumb idea was this anyway?"

"Well it was either cross the field or walk for miles to go around it!" scowled Orie defensively.

If looks could kill, the glares O'Neill and Orie were sending each other would have laid them both horizontal long ago.

"I just want to get off this damned rock," groused the Colonel.

"The feeling, O'Neill, is mutual." replied Teal'c looking down at the teenage girl still clinging to his arm.

"Fine!" snapped Orie letting go and storming ahead of the Jaffa, "I'm just a useless girl who can't do anything to help find her brother!"

"Oh no! Don't you dare threaten us with a temper tantrum!"

"Or what?!" she retorted turn to face the two men.

"Or I'll-" O'Neill hesitated as a small fuzzy creature, like a cross between a monkey and a rat ran out between the two men and Orie. It paused and looked from one to the other, clutching something to its chest.

"Is that a monkey?" asked O'Neill speculatively.

"I believe it is more like a rat." replied Teal'c.

Abruptly the monkey-rat turned heel and ran in the opposite direction through the wheat.

O'Neill turned his attention back to the matter at hand "Now, I believe I was threatening you?" he asked Orie.

Orie nodded.

"Right, _Or I'll_-" this time O'Neill didn't hesitate, instead he was bowled over by a mass of green and blonde.

"Carter!" he yelped at they fell into a tangled mess on the ground. Teal'c barely had time to lift an eyebrow before he too was hit by a full grown archaeologist. However, Teal'c being rock solid and immoveable, Jackson's collision with him didn't unbalance the Jaffa at all – instead Jackson just bounced backwards off him as though he'd hit a vertical trampoline.

"Daniel Jackson?" said Teal'c mildly surprised as he pulled the young man to his feet.

Orie cautiously eyed the wall of wheat as though waiting for someone to burst out and hit her – she wasn't disappointed – as Oraine rushed out Orie neatly side stepped him and he slowed down and turned to survey the scene.

"Orie!" he grinned and embraced her in a bear hug.

"Oraine!" she smiled.

Their reunion was sweet but short as Frank emerged from the wheat and collided with them sending them to the ground.

"Potswobble!" he grumbled as he, Orie, Oraine, Carter and O'Neill pulled themselves back onto their feet.

"So," said O'Neill conversationally, "I gather you two have had a busy day?"

"Oh, the usual sir," replied Carter dusting the dirt off her jacket.

"Yeh, get kidnapped, save a couple of prisoners, escape a mob, get stuck in the middle of an agricultural civil war… same old same old." said Jackson.

"Snarflunk." agreed Frank.

"And, you are?" inquired O'Neill turning his attention on the two new faces.

"Blorf."

"Blorf?"

"Shut up Frank," sighed Oraine "I'm Oraine, this is Frank."

"Bel Oraine?" asked Teal'c.

"That's me."

"_The_ Bel Oraine?" confirmed O'Neill.

"Yes, that's me…" said Oraine growing irritated.

"Ok, just making sure."

Oraine blinked – how many Bel Oraines were there?

"Well, anyway," continued O'Neill, "You wouldn't happen to know where the Stargate is do you?"

"The what?"

"Nope, didn't think so." He sighed rubbing his eyes. "Okay people, now that we've got hold of everyone, we head back to the village, drop off these three and find some way to head home. Unless," he looked pointedly at Jackson, "please tell me you don't want to stay and study?"

Jackson shifted his glance to Carter and back again, "Not particularly."

O'Neill blinked "Really?"

"What, you want me to?"

"Not particularly."

"Well, yeah, I mean no… uh," Jackson took a deep breath, "look; lets just go before I change my mind."

O'Neill nodded, "Sounds like a plan."

And so, SG1 plus three continued through the field, with O'Neill hastily leading the way, Orie attached to a disgruntled Teal'c, Carter fretting about the lost GDO, Frank humming absently to himself, Oraine relieved to be going home and Daniel bringing up the rear as he tried not to think about all the archaeological delights he'd be leaving behind.

Several mindless airmen, corridors and store rooms later, Hammond and the cleaner came to a corner of the SGC Hammond didn't recognize. The hallways were dark, the ceilings cobwebbed and the guards, well there weren't any guards to speak of.

"Down the hallway and to yar left, sire," cringed the cleaner, nervously wringing a rag in her hands.

Hammond nodded and stepped froward as the cleaner bowed low, wiped her nose on the rag and scuttled back up the corridor.

Well here was the door, the black label on it reading 'Colonel Jonathon O'Neill' in capital letters and a small 'do not disturb' sign hanging precariously off the handle. Hammond took a breath, opened the door and stepped in.

"Ouch!" he yelped grabbing at his stubbed foot. Okay, so lights would be nifty.

Switching on the lights, Hammond surveyed the scene before him with a small gasp – it was not what he had expected from his second in command. The office, was in such pristine and neat condition that it looked like an office in a magazine. Framed certificates were hung on the concrete wall, a tall steel bookshelf full of various books and manuals in order according to category stood against the far wall, next to the kaki filing case. In the centre of the room was a large black desk with a computer, lamp and printer resting on it. In front of and behind the desk were black chairs.

Hammond silently wandered to the desk and sat behind it, squeezing between the armrests and into the chair. He wiped a finger over the top of the desk and it came away covered in dust. Hammond frowned and stood up, then, swearing, he tried to pull himself free of the seats arm rests. It was when he finally succeeded (and the armrests fell off) that he spied the complimentary SGC pen poking out from beneath the keyboard, which was issued to all new personnel. Hammond frowned again and picked it up, then looked around for something to write on. Nothing. No paper, no folders, nothing. He pulled open a desk draw and was surprised to find it empty, as was the next one, and the next one and the last one…

General Hammond then realized this could only mean one of two things: either his second in command was doing his spring cleaning (in the middle of autumn), or his second in command never came to his office, and probably never _had_ come to his office. Well, it would explain a lot of things.

Hammond sighed and stood up, then wandered over to the door. He took one last look around O'Neill's office before turning to leave. It was then he noticed a large-bulking-something protruding from behind the open door. Curiously, he pulled the door away and stared at the columns of paper work reaching from the ceiling to the various inboxes on the floor. Hammond blinked as a solitary sheet fluttered to the floor in front of him.

Picking it up, he read: _'Mission report of Captain Samantha Carter, SG1 of the Stargate Command… It is clear that although P7X 855 holds no intelligent life and therefore no valuable technology, there are several minerals from the soil samples gathered by Dr Jackson near the Stargate which indicate the presence of the rare earth metals erbium, praseodymium, europium… '_

It was clear this report was from an early off world mission, possibly one of the first, years ago now. It was also clear that this report had never been read, and Hammond doubted the others had even been looked upon by their intended recipient either. 

Sighing again, Hammond turned to leave when he heard a faint sliding sound. Slowly twisting around, Hammond saw the columns of paper wobble, saw them tremble, and, as he let out a frightened squeal, he saw them come crashing down around and on top of him. 

The seven wanderers emerged from the wheat field to enter a large clearing, and O'Neill grinned as he saw the rim of the Stargate in the distance, almost hidden by the trees. His grin vanished as he also saw two more things: at one end of the clearing, to their right, was a mob of angry protestors, that reminded O'Neill of part time Uni students, waving wooden signs threateningly. At the other end were Bel Kouzai and his own mob which had grown in size and drunkenness, and who were waving back at the Uni-student-like-mob with pitchforks, scythes and spades. And halfway between them, surprise surprise, was SG1 and co.

"Ah crap." Muttered O'Neill.

"Papa!" yelled Oraine and Orie together, waving excitedly.

"Orie! Oraine!" grinned the plastered village chief, "Glad shoo s'could join _hic_ us!"

"No more altered crops!" chanted the other mob as they waved their signs, "No more altered crops!"

"Shlugaroo!" howled Frank.

"Everyone SHUT UP!" roared O'Neill.

And everyone, shut up.

Bel Kouzai blinked.

The leader of the other mob gulped.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow (like we didn't see that one coming).

Frank burped and began humming to himself again.

"Could someone _please_ tell me what's going on?" O'Neill said, glaring at anyone and everyone.

Daniel, as usual, stepped forward to explain.

He pointed to the Uni-student-like-mob "They're the 'Fairies', who're rebels," he pointed to the drunken mob, "against the villagers. They're in the middle of a civil war."

O'Neill nodded tiredly, "Over what?"

"Agricultural practices."

"_Farming_?"

"Actually sir," interrupted Carter, "its over their own version of the GMC debate. GMC's are-"

"I know what GMC stands for Carter," snapped O'Neill. Carter raised her eyebrows and O'Neill continued, "… General Motors Corporation…?"

Carter smiled weakly, "Actually sir, it also stands for Genetically Modified Crops. What happens on earth is they start a Polymerase Chain Reaction, although alternatively they can add a plasmid to the mRNA of-" O'Neill halted her with a wave of his hand, mouthing 'simplified'. Carter sighed; how do you explain complicated genetic engineering methods to someone whose practically allergic to anything more sophisticated than understanding the concept that anything that goes up, must come down. "It's science sir, very _advanced_ science."

"O'Neill," rumbled Teal'c, bringing the leader back to the present situation: being in the centre of a stand off between two small and (however inept) dangerous armies.

"Right," said O'Neill turning to speak to both sides, "Look, we can see your both very, very busy, so if you don't mind, we'll just be going now."

"They've got the Chief's two brats!" shouted someone from the back of the fairy group, and Jackson immediately recognized it as the threatening voice from back in the fort, "They're on the villagers side! Lets get em! String em up by their ankles!"

And suddenly the fairies surged forward at SG1.

"Leave my shcildren alone!" shouted Bel Kouzai angrily, and as one the villagers swelled forward as well.

It didn't take for O'Neill long to realize that they were about to be pincered in a very ugly fight.

"Retreat!" he yelled over the fray, but too late, the opposing mobs were on them and they were fighting. Rotten vegetables flew back and forth, wooden signs clashed against iron farming tools and SG1 were using their fists to try and find a path out of the battle without killing anyone. It was when O'Neill finally made it to the edge that he saw an even more unwelcome sight: the mutant garden salad had followed his, Teal'c and Orie's path through the field and was about to join in the skirmish. O'Neill swallowed, trying to think clearly.

'Okay okay, what would MacGyver do if he were here?' he asked himself.

'He would shoot something.' Another part of him answered.

O'Neill looked around for a gun, and discovered this planet was apparently lacking in automatic weapons. It was time for an old fashioned Colonel-Jack-O'Neill-strategy: _run_.

O'Neill stumbled backwards through the battle in mindless disbelief when he bumped into Jackson who was fighting alongside Carter. Laying low an already-half-unconscious farmer, Jackson turned and saw what had O'Neill so numb: the tomatoes, eggplants and potatoes had climbed into trees and were throwing themselves at anyone who happened to get in the way, whilst ground troops of lettuces, cucumbers and pumpkins were marching through the fight between peoples legs and attacking their feet, and a mass of onions released a kind of tear gas over the vicinity.

For a linguist, Daniel Jackson was suddenly displaying an uncharacteristic ineptitude for putting words into sentences, "Uh, uh… what?" he muttered.

'Okay, okay,' Daniel thought to himself swallowing down his panic, 'What would Indiana Jones do if he were here?'

'He wouldn't be here you moron,' part of him answered, 'your on another planet. Duh.'

Jackson backed into Carter who looked up and stared with them, "It must be the Braydel infusion… somehow it must've given them some kind of, sentient intelligence…"

And suddenly a fairy woman lunged at her and they were fighting again. Jackson and O'Neill teamed up to take on a collection of farmers and fairies as Teal'c used his staff weapon to knock out any one who came too close, and Carter wrestled on the ground with the enraged fairy.

It was about this time, when Orie had found her way far away enough from Teal'c to forget about him, that two more key characters wandered onto the scene.

"Holy smoke! This is a walloping if ever I saw one!" exclaimed the crocodile hunter keenly.

The crocodile grunted in agreement, before shuffling back into the forest.

"Strewth! There she goes again!" he said excitedly, running after the reptile.

Orie blinked, sighed and once again (for the third time that day) she was in love.

"Wait!" she called running after him into the forest.

At the sound of his sister's voice, Oraine looked up from the pumpkin he had smashed on a fairies head to find her running after a strange short man into the forest.

"Orie?" he called after her, "Orie! Where are you going?!" And in a flash he was chasing her, as he too disappeared into the dark forest.

Meanwhile, on the opposite edge of the battle, Carter had stopped to catch her breath. It was as she was running a hand through her hair that she noticed a bush on the edge the forest quivering. Blinking she stepped forward to investigate, and low and behold, out scampered the monkey-rat, still desperately clutching the GDO to its chest.

"You!" she snarled threateningly, before launching herself at the panicky rodent. Carter came up empty handed and with a mouthful of dirt as the creature dashed away. Determined not to loose the GDO again, she bolted after it, and into the forest.

At about same time, when the majority of the crowd was passed out on the ground, Jackson had found his way back to the edge of the clearing as he fought with a particularly irate farmer. Dodging the pitchfork as it was jabbed towards him, Jackson grabbed a shovel sticking out of the ground and thunked the farmer on the back of the head. As the farmer fell to the ground, Jackson wiped the sweat off his brow and looked around. It was then that a rather malevolent sweet potato hurled itself at the archaeologist, striking his head.

"Ow!" yelped Jackson, slightly shocked, "That _really_ hurt!"

On cue, a barrage of sweet potatoes and one very squat carrot threw themselves at Jackson and he went down beneath them.

Frank ambled over to the human-vegetable mound and uncovered the dazed younger man.

"Wubble mubble?" he asked questioningly.

Jackson looked at him, his glasses crookedly hanging off one ear. "Glub." He replied thickly.

Frank frowned at him, "Wubble mubble?" he repeated.

"Flap jack!" Jackson giggled.

Frank narrowed his eyes at the archaeologist as a small cabbage flew by over head.

"Are you making fun of me?!" demanded the old man.

"Mimble wimble." slurred Jackson.

Deeply offended, Frank gave the senseless archaeologist a final glare, before stalking off into the forest.

Jackson was currently in that warm-pink-and-slightly-fuzzy state of consciousness, where everything is pleasant and kind of floaty, like when you wake up from a deep sleep after one too many beers, but before the hangover hits you. Luckily for Jackson though, he had been born with an exceptionally large abundance of brain cells, so no matter how many times he was hit on the noggin, he always bounced right back with no damage done… after a few days anyway.

Looking hazily around, he saw a familiar face drift towards him.

"Hey Teal'c!" he smiled.

"Daniel Jackson." Acknowledged the Jaffa, noticing the growing bump on the younger man's head.

Jackson looked around slowly before his eyes came to rest on his team mate again.

"Hey Teal'c!" he burbled before closing his eyes and slipping back into unconsciousness.

Raising his eyebrow, Teal'c dragged Jackson out of the mound of vegetables before throwing him over his shoulder and making his way back to the Colonel.

O'Neill was currently aiming a crossbow he had found on the ground at a charging eggplant. Releasing the arrow, it hit its mark dead centre. The eggplant paused and seemed to take the shaft of wood sticking out of its middle into consideration, before continuing on charging. Flabbergasted, O'Neill aimed again at the relentless eggplant, then, thinking better of it, threw the entire crossbow at the vegetable which was knocked back by the force.

"O'Neill, I think now is an appropriate time to leave." Teal'c yelled over the buzz, as a fairy ran past chasing a troop of Lebanese cucumbers.

"Ya think?" replied O'Neill as he kicked a nearby villager waving a rake at him.

Darting and dodging, O'Neill led Teal'c towards the edge of the forest in the direction of the Stargate as he carried the unconscious Jackson.

"Where's Carter?" asked O'Neill as they entered the tree line and left the fight behind them.

"I do not know." replied Teal'c.

Suddenly Carter rolled out of a bush in front of them, wrestling the GDO off the monkey-rat.

"Stay _still_!" hissed Carter "Damned, damned _thing_!"

O'Neill and Teal'c exchanged a bemused glance as the monkey-rat finally gave up, and with a final defiant scratch at her nose, it darted away into the undergrowth.

Pulling her self triumphantly to her feet, Carter pulled a twig out her hair and looked up at he CO.

"Sir, Teal'c." she acknowledged.

O'Neill nodded, "Ready to go home major?"

"Oh yeah, lead the way."

Reaching the Stargate, O'Neill began to dial up as he ordered Carter to send the GDO signal through. Carter nodded, but, turning the dirty GDO over in her hands, found that it wasn't going to be quite so easy. Panicking slightly, she saw the screen flicker and die as she tried to activate it.

Teal'c lowered Jackson to the ground and moved over, to see what was the problem was.

"Perhaps the batteries?" he suggested.

Carter nodded anxiously, pulling two spare ones out of one of her pockets and shoving them in to replace the old ones. For a moment the GDO lit up and beeped, before flickering and dying again.

"Is there a problem?" asked O'Neill joining the pair.

"The-the-the GDO sir," whimpered Carter apologetically, "It's malfunctioning."

O'Neill grinned, "Made in Taiwan eh?"

Smiling reassuringly he reached into a pocket on his BDU's and pulled out an identical GDO. "I keep a spare one on me all the time, just in case," he winked, as though letting her in on the world-GDO-conspiracy.

Letting out a hysterical squeak, Carter's eyes rolled up into her head and she fainted into Teal'c's arms.

"Something I said?" muttered O'Neill.

"O'Neill," Teal'c gestured with his staff weapon towards the active gate, "We must go."

Sending the signal through, O'Neill looked up to find Jackson up and wandering aimlessly around. O'Neill moved over to grab him.

"Fer cryin' out loud, come on Daniel, let's go."

"Look Jack!" slurred Jackson, rounding on a tree next to the Colonel, "This, ish a very, very, shpecial pla… pla… spot."

"Teal'c," O'Neill waved the Jaffa over, "I'll take Carter, you take Daniel."

He turned back to find the archaeologist passed out in the dirt at his feet.

Sighing, he took hold of Carter as Teal'c gently passed her to him, and made his way towards the gate. He waited until Teal'c and Jackson were following, and then with a ripple, stepped through the event horizon.

Teal'c hefted Jackson back over his shoulder, and as he reached the top of the 'gate platform, he paused to look back over the strange planet. Thoughtfully, he turned and walked through the gate. Seconds later, a small tomato hurled itself through after him.

As the gate deactivated, a voice could be heard, echoing in the distance.

"Holy smoke! That was close! Saltwater crocodiles grow up to 7m long, although there have been reports of them reaching 9m in length!"

"Really?" a girls flirtatious voice drifted back.

"Incoming signal sir," announced the Chevron guy as General Hammond entered the control room, "Its SG1."

Hammond sighed, and for a brief moment entertained the idea of leaving the iris closed, it would save a whole lot of trouble…

"Sir," said the Chevron guy, "Sir, shouldn't we open the iris?"

Hammond gave him a glazed expression, "What?"

"The _iris_, sir."

"Oh… well, yes. I guess we should."

Giving his commanding officer a baffled look, the Chevron guy punched in the necessary codes.

In the embarkation room below, the iris slid away to reveal the aforementionally described event horizon rippling as a battered looking Colonel O'Neill carried through an unconscious Major Carter.

"Medic!" he yelled, lowering her onto the gate platform.

Suddenly Teal'c appeared behind them with Jackson slung over his shoulder.

"What happened?" demanded Hammond entering the room.

"We were attacked." Supplied Teal'c, laying Jackson down beside Carter so the Medics could assess his condition.

"By whom?"

"Vegetables sir, mutant vegetables." Said O'Neill in all seriousness.

Suddenly the event horizon rippled again, as a small, half frozen tomato flew out of it above them. In the blink of an eye Teal'c whipped his staff weapon around, aimed, fired at and struck the rogue vegetable. Small lumps of cold tomato flesh rained down on them as the Stargate finally disengaged.

Hammond bobbed his head understandingly; it was now a tradition for all manner of strange things to happen to the SGC teams on off world missions, and for those strange things to follow them back to base. Mutant vegetables, compared to some of the other occurrences, was on a scale of one to ten: a reasonable 6.

Hammonds eyes came to rest on Carter as she was placed on a mobile infirmary bed, "What happened to the Major?"

O'Neill shrugged, "I think the onions got to her sir."

Hammond nodded and looked at Jackson. He really wasn't surprised to find the archaeologist injured as well, accidents seemed to be one of Jackson's many talents. Trouble seemed to gravitate towards him like flies to jam. In fact, Hammond was willing to bet that Jackson had the same life expectancy as a three legged tortoise on a six lane highway in peak hour. It was only a miracle that he had survived past his 10th birthday. 

O'Neill followed Hammonds gaze to the younger man who was also being lifted onto a bed, and felt a explanation was in order.

"Potatoes, sir."

"Potatoes?"

"And a carrot."

"Ahhhhh." Hammond turned and led his 2IC out of the room as Teal'c trailed behind. "Debriefing in one and a half hours Colonel. Oh, and Colonel?"

O'Neill looked up and saw for the first time how Hammond's whole head and arms seemed to be covered in small grazes, like paper cuts.

"I'd like you to clean out your office, if you wouldn't mind."

O'Neill stopped in the middle of the corridor and stared at him blankly, his mouth dropping open slightly.

Hammond turned and looked back at him, raising an eyebrow to Teal'c-like-precision.

"Is there a problem Colonel?" he asked.

O'Neill blinked.

"I have an office?"

_The End._


End file.
